I Hate That I’m Not Alone

You, victim, you know my guilt.  My shame.  My doubt.

You, survivor, know my loss.  The depths of the darkness.  The panic- paranoia.

You both saved me.

The fellow victim understood why I stayed.  Made me feel somewhat normal.  Helped me to rationalize.  Gave me hope.  Not the “right” hope, but still hope.  Without you, I would have ended it.  Alone in an otherwise normal world, I would have let the shame take its logical last step.

The fellow survivor understood why I left.  Made me feel justified.  Helped me to stand firm.  Gave me strength.  Unfounded strength, at times, but still strength.  Without you, I would have stayed.  Abnormal in an otherwise normal world, I would have let my doubt keep me chained.

You both freed me.

Without you, I would have been alone.  Forever wondering what I did wrong, and how to fix it.  You gave me answers, and direction.

And yet, I wish I was still a victim.  Still lost.  Still doubtful.

I wish I was completely alone.

You gave me answers because you first had questions.  Doubts.  Shame.  You were there first, and mapped the exit.

That’s what kills me.

Having company in this is worse than being alone.

Advertisements

11 Comments Add yours

    1. Our conversation the other day inspired this

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m honored. Thank you.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Wow, I felt your emotions through your literature. Awesome writing!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! It has been on my mind for a while, but I was waiting for the right time to put it into words.

      Like

      1. You did an amazing job.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. the7thson says:

    I read it the second time and that’s when I understood the depth in the feeling behind your words. I liked the way you can express them so beautifully. Thank you for letting in to your world

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I’ve been trying to find the right way to say it for a while. It finally fell into place

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s