Well, I’ve done it again.
After committing to yet another project of putting this site together, I got cold feet and gave up for a bit. This is nothing new for me.
As maybe other survivors can attest, doubting yourself is a very real consequence of an abusive relationship. The constant wondering of whether you’re good enough for anything you set your mind to is exhausting.
Then, it’s inevitably followed by a self-empowered month or two of “I can do anything!”. Full of ideas of how to help others and put your past experiences to good use.
The cycle repeats itself. It’s like going in and out of consciousness. You dream of being the Joan of Arc that leads others into battle with their pasts, but then you wake to reality only to realize that could never be you. You’re not good enough.
You’re exactly what he said you were.
I know, logically, that I’m not worthless. All those “recovery” articles tell me that I’ll feel that way, but it’s not true. So, I start working on myself. Ugh. My life is nothing but a constant self-taught psychology course.
I get to where I am now, sooner or later. When I realize that I’m not perfect, and that it’s ok. That my life is still moving on, even if I’m not. That I’m wasting time by dwelling on my past, and missing the present. All those corny Disney movie plot morals.
The only real measure of my “progress” is that my lapses of self-doubt are getting shorter. They happen less frequently, and I’m almost convinced that perfection is outside my grasp. I still feel inadequate to help anyone else. Who am I to say I’m good enough to guide someone else’s healing process?
That’s what this site is here for. For everyone who feels exactly like me. It’s not a perfect site, because I’m not a perfect person. I’m going to do my best to keep it perfect, but I know that I can’t. I will need breaks when I have bad days, and I’ll post ten new stories when I have good ones.
For all of you following and watching, keep sharing. Keep emailing. Keep connecting with others on here.
But, also keep in mind that I’m still healing, too. I still have triggers. I watch the wrong movie or hear the wrong “joke”, and it could take a while before I can confront all of this again.
So, I’m still here for you all. And, I’m so glad we’re still gaining viewership. For everyone who has shared stories that I have yet to post, I’m getting to it.
You’re all so brave. Braver than I am, by far. (Is “braver” a word?). And you’re challenging me to live up to what I know, deep down, is my potential.
Thank you all, and I’m back.