I know, I know, what the hell, right?
It’s just that something has been bothering me. I was in an abusive relationship a while ago. It didn’t last for too long, and it wasn’t as bad as those TV shows want you to believe. But, it was still enough for my life to take a 180.
I’ve worked through quite a bit of the repercussions. I mean, any other survivor will tell you there’s no such thing as working through everything. As soon as you think you’re “fixed” something else comes up.
But, recently, I’ve been struggling with something new. I’m married now, to an amazing man. He’s very loving, and he puts me and our kids above everything else.
Still, he’s got some flaws, and sometimes when I see them I get inside my own head and really mess myself up.
I see him react with the slightest temper to something, and I am terrified. He asserts even a sliver of dominance in any situation, and I freeze. He makes a joke about how it’s my duty to make him a sandwich, and I’m furious.
It’s too easy to see him like I see my abuser. Or to see any man that way. Any man with a single character flaw, and I feel instantly offended and on guard. Any man who makes a joke about gender roles, and I have crossed him off my list of acceptable humans for good.
I know it’s a ridiculous way to react, but sometimes I can’t help it. I can’t seem to draw the line between normal imperfect male humans, and the really, truly screwed up abusive types. There’s so much grey.
I guess that’s the destined fate of an abuse victim. We question everything else, so we may as well add being paranoid of every living male to the list.
Am I alone in this, or do other have the same problem? What do you do? How do you get past feeling like every man is not trustworthy? I can’t bring myself to leave my daughters with any male. No matter how close I am to them. It’s so frustrating!
Anyways, rant over. It’s just another thing to work on, I guess.