What We Really Lose

Hello, Readers.

As I’m sure you can all relate, in one way or another, writing about our past trauma can bring up a whole mess of feelings.

I started this site in a self-righteous act of bringing healing to others.  I had no idea that I still had so much to heal from myself.  Reading all the stories posted on here, and I read each one, I see strong women moving on.

And I’m jealous.

I lost my drive to do anything productive after my “relationship”.  I felt that I had nothing to contribute to society.  I was one of “those” broken people who will forever spend life getting back to square one, while all of the regular people get to start there and move forward.  They get to contribute wisdom, and works of art, and all-things beautiful.

Not me.  Nope.  I’m stuck being the person charity programs are targeting.

The last eight years of my life, I’ve felt like this.  As if all of my potential was just sucked right out of me.  And it’s not even because of him.  In fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with him.

It’s me.

And this time, I can say that with absolute confidence.  I have spent eight years wondering if being the victim was my fault.  It wasn’t.  I know that.  I have also accepted that there were definitely better decisions I could have made.  None of which would have made him less of a controlling person.  I could have left sooner.  I could have never gotten in the car in the first place.

That relationship wasn’t my fault.  But this everlasting aftermath of depression- of believing my life was over before it even started.  That’s on me.  

We all have to heal.  We all have different timelines.  I’m not saying that after eight years, everyone needs to just “get over it already”.  No.  What I am saying is that I know myself very well.  I should- I’ve spent eight years over-analyzing every emotion and decision I’ve ever made.

And from all of that, I can now say that I’ve moved from healing to self-pity.  I have a purpose here in life.  I have a reason to be here, and to be alive.

Alive.  

Not just breathing.  Not just the opposite of dead.  Not a lump on a couch unable to motivate herself to be somebody.

I had plans.  I had dreams.  I had hopes, and visions, and motivations!  I had so much that I’ve spent so long blaming someone else for stealing from me.  And he did, for a while.  But now, it’s me.

I’m no longer surviving.  Just getting by.  Going through the motions.

He killed me.  That night- when it finally ended, I was dead.  The person I had been was gone.  I’ve spent eight years on life support.  Unable to see the point in breathing, and some days so depressed I wasn’t even sure I could.

He took many things from me.  But, I’m taking them back now.  I’m taking back my smile.  My joy.  My drive.  My passions.  My family.  Everything I lost, I’m getting it back now.  And if I don’t, it’s no longer on him.

That’s on me.

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4 Comments Add yours

  1. Hey! I’m proud of you just for realisation. It’s been 4 years since I walked away from abuse and I still feel broken and unable to do life most of the time. I relate to you very much even in this moment. Thank you for being real and letting me know I’m not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in this. I’m so glad you were able to walk away from your situation. It’s amazing the ripple effect in your life afterwards. I’m constantly amazed by how much just one “relationship” can change a woman’s life

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Keep moving forward, the journey can suck, keep trying and allow a friend in your life to see positive energy around you. My life was hell. Slowing seeing the negativity, I cut those people out of my life. You don’t need anyone to pull at you when you’ve made a step forward.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s probably the hardest part for me. I think the only person I’ve ever truly told my story to was my husband. All anyone close to me knows is that I was in a bad relationship. I thought telling others about it would somehow reveal that I just overreacted or somehow it was all my fault. I’m just now realizing how important it is to find people close and talk through things.

      Like

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