Depressed and Painful Memories

So these past few days have kinda sucked. I am still not sleeping and am feeling mildly depressed. My anxiety has been out of control and same with the panic attacks. I have been taking my meds and going to therapy every week so hoping soon this will start to subside and not be so bad. Also been having lots of memories of the childhood sexual abuse I know it’s normal to have things still come up after having blocked it out for 14years it normal but I just hate remembering that especially because I had always remembered pieces of it and never thought it went past touching and oral sex but when I remembered that he did rape me it brought so much pain with it. And remembering that he abused other children with me there and made me and other children do things to each other for his satisfaction. That killed me when those memories and more have come up. It makes me feel like a monster and even though I know I was a child and he made me do it. Just knowing that someone else was hurt and is hurting devastates me because I know the pain there in because I am feeling that same pain. Also finding out one of the children that was my friends that he abused at the same time as me and we were made to watch him do stuff to one as there one watched she ended up committing suicide and I can’t help but feel that it was partly my fault. Just remembering more of my friends I know he abused and everything makes me sad and feel some guilt. It’s been a rough journey finally dealing with the sexual abuse that I avoided for 14yrs so it’s to be expected that it wouldn’t be easy. Still healing these wounds one day at a time 

 

Originally posted on Heal My Wounds

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10 Comments Add yours

  1. This is my post why is it showing up here

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I thought it was really inspiring, so I posted it on this site. I gave credit at the bottom

        Like

      2. Oh no worries. Thank you for sharing and giving credit. It’s nice to know people are reading what I write.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Yep, we’re definitely reading! Thank you for writing. It helps to know we’re not alone in what we’re feeling. Keep up the good work

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Ah, I know how hard it is to have memories return. It seemed every time I remembered something, I thought it was the worst, but I was wrong. It took over two years for me to remember everything, and each was worse than the last. I truly hope you find solace soon.

    Like

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