A Living Suicide

First, I would like to apologize to the readers of this site.  While our traffic has continued to grow (over 3,500 visits!), my posting has dropped straight off a cliff.

However, this is mostly due to my preparing for an 1,900 mile cross-country move!

As I was packing for this overwhelming trek, I realized that I was happy.  For those of you who have never experienced abuse or assault, that may seem like an underachievement.  I mean, most people don’t earn trophies for happiness in life, unless they’re of the participation variety.

But, I’ve just recently admitted my battle with depression.  It’s a funny thing.  You’re depressed, alone, and exhausted from avoiding life.  You just hide away in your bubble, and let your more “normal” friends have their fun around you.  You tell yourself it’s because you’re just introverted.  And some of that may be true.  But, really, there’s some major depression going on.

Then, when you realize you’re depressed, it’s depressing!  You finally realize how much of your life you’ve spent waiting for it to just end or people to just leave you the hell alone, that when you wake up to no friends and no life, you’re even more broken.  You finally realize all those rationalizations you made about your friends not being understanding enough or not liking the same things you do or how they’re just “too much” were all just ways to stay hidden.

It finally dawns on you.

It’s my fault.

Yeah.  Talk about depressing.  You spend months, or years, recovering from a horrible abuse on your person, only to dwell on the negatives in your life, which causes you to retreat into a safe place where nobody can ever hurt you.  Which, ultimately, leaves you alone and non-existent.  With everyone else going on with life, and you’re just stuck in a cave.  Your friends ask themselves, “What ever happened to her?”  And nobody knows.

Then you wake up from it, as if your depression was just a mindless, sleepwalking coma.  You realize how much you just hated yourself and life and people and living.  The everyday adult responsibilities that just seemed too much.  As if you’re already worthless, so let’s pile on irresponsible.  There’s no point in trying to have a good life.  It’s already ruined.

And you’re just… amazed.

You missed… so much.

That’s a depressing thought.  But, oddly, also an encouraging one.  That’s the thought that made me get my ass out of bed and out into the sunshine again.  It made me want to color with my kids and actually do my laundry.  Tidy up the house, and do something besides watch T.V. with my free time.

I learned that your life is a direct reflection of how you see yourself.  If you withdraw into a dark room and pretend the world outside won’t notice, you’re right- it won’t.  And really, you’re doing it because you would rather not exist anyways.  It’s like a living suicide.

The good news is you can come back from it.  Oh, it’s not easy by any means.  And it means a whole new set of things to work through.  And, by all means, it’s not pretty.  The hardest thing to do after being blasted with all those, “you’re not to blame” messages after abuse, is realizing that you’re still responsible for your happiness in life.

So, back to my moving across the country.  I’ve planned quite the camping trip for my little family.  National parks with lakes and mountains and rivers.  We will go fishing and hiking and just be a family together.

I’m happy.  I’m not fixed, and I was never broken.  I’m just finally deciding that my life is still worth living.

I truly hope you take that step with me.  One day.  In your own time.  Realize that your life is worth living no matter what’s in your past.  That it doesn’t define your future, and that you have a responsibility to yourself to live a badass present.

Happy living, readers!

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14 Comments Add yours

  1. Love this and your honesty!Makes others not feel alone while nodding in agreement to your true words! I really hope you enjoy your camping trip and live in each moment of it just loving nature and the precious time with your family!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! It was inspired by a few different posts I’ve seen lately, so I can’t take all the credit, but I’m glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading!

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  2. Aw that’s good to hear that you’re feeling better. I hope the trip is a joyous one. I’ve been in a deep depression recently too. Not just my normal depression. Spring time is bad with the pressure changes and those are triggers. Too much of a shift too fast, or hitting a certain range is an instant migraine. Not to mention that aunt that won’t quit visiting me. So, I’ve been unable to write, unable to edit because I can barely concentrate coherently enough to know I’m doing it right. Plus, it’s a little hard to read when the light and the focusing of my eyes hurt too much. So there’s my go to therapeutic activities that help me maintain as certain level of “looking somewhat normal on the outside”. Now, if I can watch a TV screen, I’m binging on TV shows, feeling worse and worse with every passing minute. Sigh. Sorry for the rant. I wish I could turn it off and be okay. 💕

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    1. Don’t apologize. I’ve been in a deep depression for 8 years. Binging on Frasier and Alias (which I highly recommend, by the way. The show, not the depression -binging). I just watched a show the other night where a woman was raped and realized the man had taken everything. And I think a lot of us get stuck thinking he took everything and we can’t get it back. I’m really sorry you’ve had triggers lately. And people disrupting your schedule can be an introvert’s nightmare. I can genuinely sympathize with that.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ll pull through, I always do. It’s just a question of when.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You can do it. But don’t beat yourself up for it either

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Easier said than done. Since these things are therapeutic, if I don’t do them, I feel more on edge, more anxious, and more depressed. I kick myself for not doing it, but if I force it, I won’t be able to do it right, and that’s important, too.

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      4. I completely understand that. Like you’re trapped by people who want you to be normal, and the only thing that makes you feel normal is the stuff they’re keeping you from

        Liked by 1 person

  3. A.Dreamer says:

    I understand you so well. I don’t even know if I’m depressed or what is happening to me. I just know that I go from very high to very low in a short period of time and with no apparent reason (or so people around me say). I am glad that you are feeling better and I hope it lasts forever!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well I’m glad you’re here! There’s lots of people who have an understanding of how you feel, so please feel free to share and build relationships with everyone! You can also email me at sydney_bosque@outlook.com

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Blue Sky says:

    This brought tears to my eyes. You put words to my life for so many years… too many. I too have been going through a living suicide. Although I would have never called it that… I didn’t have these words! It was my life for years, until I just faded away from life completely. Until my husband begged me to start blogging last August. There is no substitute for showing up in your own life. No one can do that for you. We just need a reason to do so. When you get this low, you have already decided that you are not worth it. I thought I would stay there forever. Miracles rarely come when we hide. They usually come when we are at least moving and showing up and risking something. Even if that risking is just to take up a little space in the world. I can relate to everything you wrote here. I am so glad you are finding your way back to life and living! We all long for connection and love… which only happens when we allow ourselves to become vulnerable. This was so beautifully written. My soul clung to every word!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words! It’s so encouraging to me that other people can relate, although for their sake I wish they had no idea what it felt like. Being vulnerable is so difficult, but it has been so worth it!

      Liked by 1 person

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