Rape- It’s Not A Contest

I try not to blame culture or society for my issues.  Not that we have a perfect country, by any means, but I feel like blaming bad situations on others puts off healing.

That said, there’s something that we as a society simply have to stop doing.

Comparing.

Men rape and abuse because they’re trying to prove something.  Like this unspoken contest they’ve got going on about who has the biggest penis.  (Sorry, but it’s pretty much a scientific fact).  It’s not about sex; it’s about feeling like a macho man.

Which leaves the victims of this worldwide invisible penis-envy contest to heal from the desperate attempts of men to finish first (although, let’s be honest, they all finish pretty quick).

That said, society adds insult to injury.  As if it’s not enough for men to go around with a ruler (or a thimble), we start comparing victims.

“Well, she didn’t have bruises.”

“This one had broken bones!”

That one had a gun pulled on her!”

We rank victims based on their abuse situations.  As if the one who had a gun pulled on her has a right to heal.  The one with broken bones can heal somewhat, but the one without bruises really doesn’t have any right to feel pain.  So, no excuse for the healing process for that one.

We take the victims of abuse and compare the situations.  Separate them into categories.  Allow some to feel, and some to just shut up and deal with it in silence.  Women look at other women and think,

“Well, my situation wasn’t the absolute worst on earth, so I should probably be happy.”

We feel guilty for healing because we feel like we aren’t justified in feeling pain.  Pain is only for those who suffered lifelong abuse in a cage in a serial killer’s basement.

So we bottle it up, and every time an abuse situation comes up, it’s just more validation that you didn’t really have it that bad and you’re just an emotional wreck because you’re a subhuman.

This does not promote healing.  This does not help anyone.

Pain is pain.  Period.  You may have different circumstances.  You may have never bruised or bled. Or been trapped or held down.  Or screamed or fought or pushed him away.  You may have lain completely still, aware of the fact that resisting was likely to cause more problems, and gotten in your car free as a bird.

You were raped.  Not more or less raped than anyone else.  You can’t rape a person less than someone else.  Or more.  A bruise doesn’t validate it.  The lack of broken bones doesn’t mean anything.

You don’t have to be in a locked room to be caged.

As a society, we have got to stop deciding who gets to heal and how much.  These situations are so complex and layered that the average joe has no right categorizing it.

Society is not to blame for my situation, but they sure haven’t made it any easier.  I’m not going to riot in the streets, start a blame-train, or look for special treatment.

What I am going to do, though, is tell my readers that you don’t have to qualify as a rape or abuse victim.  There are no forms to determine your eligibility.  You do not need to keep second guessing your membership status to the victim/survivor club.

And yes, this post is laced with anger.  I have just finished reading a few comments by a man who claimed a woman was lying about rape because she didn’t come forward the same day, and was not physically injured.

People.  We cannot be this ignorant.

I have now fully vented.  Sorry for the emotional post today, but if anyone out there can resonate, I would love to know!

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16 Comments Add yours

  1. A.Dreamer says:

    Someone very closed to me was raped and it affects me so much. I don’t want to say that I understand a rape victim, because I believe that someone can only truly understand if it happens to them. With that being said: I agree with you so much and you have all the right to be mad and upset about it.

    I am sending you all the virtual support that I can!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I can also empathize with someone close to you being raped as that happened to my sister. It’s a very difficult feeling. Equally painful just in its own way

      Liked by 1 person

  2. There are times when I wish words were truly more powerful than swords. At least it could then chop down some male egos and chauvinisms that allow them to “indulge” in such degrading activities. You have written a powerful piece. Congrats! NO ONE can understand what it’s like to face your own personal demons. Whether rape of the body, mind or soul – any violation on any level should be punished. What will make it stop? Learning self-defense?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think the true problem can’t be solved with anything physical. It is a state of mind that drives some to prove their control or worth by domineering over others. That can’t be “fixed” until we stop celebrating power and belongings.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am reading a book called Curious Lives by Richard Bach where a species decided to give up all thoughts of violence and evil to save their race from wars. After a few generations, the peace seeped into their DNA. We need something like that but that will take a long time. What is the solution right now?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I have found it in God. Not religion, but God. The Bible actually completely lays out how men should treat women with self-sacrificing love and respect. How they should give their own wants and desires up for their wives. And how women are to be treated as fine china. And how the world should operate on forgiveness and compassion and a true love for others. Not a forgiveness where you don’t see the wrong someone has done, or condone it, but where you free yourself from holding that anger.

        There really isn’t a solution outside of God, because otherwise we will mever have a common ground of morality or a reason to live for others. Or that freedom of knowing we are forgiven.

        Unfortunately, most Christians don’t even live that way. So it’s not hard to see why the world would reject it. All they see is hate and judgement.

        Nothing will change until we can all lay down our pride.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. It is so surprising that no matter what the problem, the answer is always love. We spend ages searching for solutions when the answers lie within. It’s not just about one religion. All religions advocate peace. It is the “interpretation” of the original texts that causes all the narrow mindedness and wrongful acts of behavior.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I studied religion a great deal after my experience. Mostly because I was told it was all my fault for not being “Christian” enough. So I decided that if a religion required me to be perfect in order to not be punished, then I was out.

        After I actually read it for myself, and studied the history, and the original languages, and whatever I could get my hands on, I saw a very different picture than what they had painted for me.

        God is loving. People, however, are not. We don’t even agree on what love is. The average woman goes back to an abusive relationship seven times, and I guarantee you it is because she feels as though it’s her duty because she loves him. She can’t abandon him because she loves him.

        People start charities out of love, right? But how many do it so they can feel like a god? To feel as though they are the mighty saviors bestowing their kindness on the less fortunate? Is that love?

        Love is a true sacrifice. It is realizing that the homeless man on the corner is truly no better or worse of a person than you are. That he may be very grateful for a few bucks to go get cheap liquor, but that’s not love.

        Or the friend that’s hurting. You may want to make them feel better because that would validate you as a person being able to save others from their pain. But love is listening. Taking yourself out of the spotlight. Letting go of wanting to play Jesus and letting Jesus be Jesus.

        Other religions advocate peace, but until everyone can reach the same page on LOVE, we don’t stand a chance. Peace will never be possible. People will always battle within themselves between love of power and love of people. That will not go away until as people we can let go of power. And that can’t happen without God.

        I fully understand that you may disagree with me, and I hope we can continue to discuss this without any animosity. While I truly believe God is the answer, I understand that others do not. And I do want to hear what others believe and their opinions on a solution to our flaws as mankind.

        So, please don’t take this as any sort of judgement. It is something I am passionate about, as it has brought me through many, many trials. But I also fully respect differing opinions.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Oh, i absolutely don’t disagree with you. God is definitely the answer because God embodies love on this planet. However, my immediate concern is that such incidences are on a rise – crime against women – and no one can feel completely safe even within the walls of their own home. Having faith will take a long time…something which we dont have right now…so what should we do? i had had a similar conversation with another blogger and that time the only solution i could think of was – as mothers we can “educate” the boys and ensure that at least the next generation is safer. but that too is a distant story. what about now?
        Another point that i agree with you on – whatever it is that people do, they do it for themselves. Whether it is charity or service etc. It does help out others but in doing so they are generating good karmas for themselves and also improving on their personal spiritual development. so nothing is ever interest-free. i believe in God as a singular all pervading force bound by no words or actions. Cannot be captured in any text . Neither can be felt by only select groups of people. there is no such thing as athiest. so long as one is breathing, the very breath is the life force keeping a person alive. anyone who believes that believes that the force that keeps us walking is external (and also internal). ok, i think i got side-tracked. i sometimes get that ways while writing since one idea leads to another…you get the hint.
        your opinion is welcome. i like discussions and seeing from another’s perspective. it helps me understand people.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. As far as the solution for right now, I don’t believe the answer lies with men. I don’t think we can change an entire gender that we can’t understand. And I also think that telling men it is all up to them puts us at their mercy. If they choose to change, we will be safe. If they don’t, we will be abused. That puts us and our entire well-being in their hands, and takes the power out of ours.

        Instead, I think we need to look to other women for the answer. We cannot change men or their drive for power. But, men cannot overpower women who know their worth. I’m not blaming women for being abused- at all! But a woman who knows she is a person worthy of love and respect will not fall into the trap of manipulation and degrading treatment. Society values women on their looks. That’s bullshit.

        We need to be there for other women. Build them up. Remind them of their value. Encourage them in their talents. Build confidence and esteem. Make it known that an abuse of authority or power is WRONG. Period. 100% of the time. Let women know that they are not alone on this earth, and that it is absolutely not OK to be treated like an animal. Empower others who will go on to empower more.

        Not to punish men or change men. They will have to do that for themselves. But women need to be able to stand on their own feet. To be strong and not be sorry. To tell a man when he’s abusing his power without guilt or wavering. To have that confidence, and that knowledge of what is good and right and acceptable. To know their worth and their right in maintaining that worth- that will give women the strength to walk away. To leave the abusers and call them what they are. To empower the loving men out there to stand up and be validated. To take off the padded gloves we use to handle abusive men and call them the cowards they are. Without fear. They are nothing but bullies. That’s what I think will change things. Women.

        Like

      7. Also, I was wondering if you could check out my latest post. I am wanting to write a book that puts what went through my head down on paper so that some people may be able to relate to them. Find themselves in there somehow. Maybe understand themselves a little better. I would appreciate your input!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Reading your post made me think about how many survivors don’t feel justified in expressing what has happened to them because that’s what abusers do to a victim, make them fell worthless and that their feelings and experiences don’t matter.

    And if survivors already see themselves as unworthy then how much more damaging are society’s comparisons and judgments.

    “You were raped. Not more or less raped than anyone else. You can’t rape a person less than someone else. Or more.” We are all trying to heal from very similar wrongs done to us, despite all our differing circumstances.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It makes me so angry that the victimizing continues by society. But we haven’t really made an effort to be understanding either because the media wants scandals and division, not compassion and understanding. They want people to take sides on everything and put every detail under scrutiny. Until we start caring about people for more than ratings, nothing will change.

      Like

  4. Rayne says:

    Thank you for this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Absolutely. I read through some of your posts. Please feel free to connect with our community. Depression runs rampant amongst survivors, and it helps to have people who all know what it feels like! P.S. loved the post about connecting with nature. I was just talking to someone about this the other day!

      Liked by 1 person

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