Inside Her Head- Chapter 1

Hello, readers.  I published a post a bit ago about writing a book that exposed the thoughts that may go through a rape victim’s head.  I have written a short, rough, draft of Chapter 1, and pasted it below.

My thought is to start with the thoughts of a woman during a rape pondering her relationship.  So, let me know if any of what I wrote resonates with you.  I am writing it from my experience, so this is what went through my head.

Any and all feedback is welcomed.  I watched a movie about a poet earlier, so it’s a little abstract.

Inside Her Head

Chapter 1

It

It’s not physical. Rape, that is.

I can’t feel it. Only numb tingling where there should be an explosion. My head is where the pain lies. Snipping the synapses that lead to my skin. Telling them to release their hold on my senses.

To just let my body escape this moment. I can not stop it, but I can refuse to feel it. It is the only strength he cannot take. The only resistance I have left.

It isn’t him who I resist. Who I despise. Who I wish had never walked the earth. It is me.

Me, the one too weak to stop it.

Me, the one too stupid to see it.

Me, the one too proud to leave it.

He is only human, after all. Only feeding his carnal desires. He doesn’t hide his games. No, he rigs them. Like a fixed race I am forced to gamble on and lose.

Like an addict, I cannot quit. I cannot walk away. What if he changes? If he’s truly sorry this time? If I need only love him a day longer? What if…?

These thoughts are the ones engulfing my mind. I don’t even notice when he is through. When he is satisfied. His needs are not met by me. They have nothing to do with me. I am here, only as a symbol of his power. His validation that he has some control in life.

Is this how I love him? Is this how I will save him? Do I sacrifice my body like unto a thirsty god? Loathing my own life so much I would lose it for him?

And what of forgiveness? It is not him I need forgive. The blame is squarely on my shoulders. I am the stronger one. I am the one who is changing him. The one in control. The one who can’t leave the unloved man alone. He is my pet; my project. If I fail in loving him, I have only proven my uselessness.

Where is there from here? Alone, I am nothing. A plate of seconds for an already full man. No normal person would take me as their first. Yearn for me as they do that very first bite that drops into an empty belly.

I am used. One would consider me as they would a pair of shoes in a thrift store. Only the most desperate opting to dirty their feet with the filth of a stranger.

So, I stay. I am determined to love. His love would mean so much to me. A fulfillment I cannot describe. The key to unlock my desire to live again. To explore and laugh and drink up the sun.

Perhaps this is why I keep going. I keep loving because I think he is the same. I believe once my love is good enough for him, then he will be free to be the good in himself. The angry, domineering man would melt away into the one behind the facade of strength.

Is this why I feel like I have failed? That he has not changed- because my love isn’t true? Am I really the useless woman he says I am?

I must be. I can’t even love a monster.

And then there’s the pity and the judgment. “You’re too good for him.” “He doesn’t deserve you.” “Why don’t you leave him?”

If I was too good for him, wouldn’t he be a changed man? Wouldn’t my love have made a difference? If I am the great woman you say I am, why has he stayed a monster? Either he is lying or you are. And his lies are my normal.

So I stay. I live in the shadows. I work around him. Speak around him. Live around him. Nothing is done except through him. Never with him, and never intruding on his throne.

He has no god. He says he does. He says his god would want this. But he is his own god. He worships himself. He satisfies himself. He requires sacrifice and repentance, giving none in return.

How can I find solace in a god, when a god is what torments me?

How can you say this is easy? To leave the one who gives me all that I have? That is what a god does, after all. Sustains and protects. Requires much, but offers only your breath in return to keep breathing.

Can I leave that behind? Would I leave with a breathing body? Is there a place on earth free from his omniscience?

And what would I do with myself? Put the broken pieces of my soul in a bottle, and drink them back up? Watch them fade in a puff of smoke? Or perhaps inject them back into my blood in the hopes of regaining even a hint of life?

How is this easy? Who are you to tell me to leave him? You can’t hear my questions, and you can’t answer what you cannot hear. I am alone in my asking, and without a soul to help in my search for truth. I hunt quietly for it, and can find it everywhere and nowhere.

Is it the devil who wants me to stay, or God? And which wants me to leave?

I am back inside my head again, with my god inside of me. I will never have an answer so long as I must distract myself with questions.

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26 Comments Add yours

  1. I don’t want to “like” this post but unfortunately there is no other emotion that we are allowed to show on WP. So i do.
    I have never been in an abusive relation per se, but i know what it feels like to be used – by your friends or relatives or loved ones who convince you that you’re only valuable till you are useful. or something like that. so you give and give hoping that one day as you sow, so shall you reap. but does this really work if the land is barren in the first place? Only cactus will grow.
    For women who are already suffering from issues, it is so easy to degrade oneself. No one can criticize you more than yourself. And in most cases that i have heard of, those involved in domestic abuse seek a way out only when the lives of others (children) is endangered. Somehow, in our tendency to “sacrifice”, we sacrifice our pride the first.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. Our dignity goes out the window. So many cofusing thoughts to work through, while trying to deny them at the same time. I’m hoping this will be of some comfort to people some day. Just having thohghts on paper that maybe someone can relate to. Thank you for reading it!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Most definitely. The biggest step in healing is to acknowledge the pain and that it happened. Your writing forces one to face the truth and muster up the courage to move on. Good job.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. This is a great start. I think the thoughts going through your head were, unfortunately, normal.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I’m going to have a hayday editing, but I needed to just put it on paper. And quit second guessing myself. Thanks for reading it!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand. Don’t get caught in the editing loop. Don’t edit until your draft is done.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Lol I loathe the editing loop.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. The subject of abusive relationships has always evoked a lot of emotions in me. I want to rush in and rescue the victim and find it hard to understand why they would want to stay. However, through my own therapy I can understand that what is familiar to us is safe, however painful or dangerous that situation may be.
    Your writing really helped me to understand what that relationship was like from the inside. It moved me greatly and made me feel very sad. If only it was as simple as leaving…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Im just hoping to mke it more understandable for people who don’t know how it feels. So maybe they will know how to approach it with the people in their life. Thank you for reading it. I appreciate the feedback.

      Like

      1. You are very welcome, it will I think be a very brave book!

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Barney says:

    I agree with dark fairy. Very, very sad and painful to read. I really like this idea for a book. 😔 Barn

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I’m so glad you read it. It helps me to keep pushing through and writing it, even if it only ends up helping me

      Like

  5. Blue Sky says:

    This all makes me cry… I cry for you and the untold millions who experience the chaos and pain in which you describe here. I cry for myself because I cannot and have not yet faced my feelings and emotions surrounding these experiences in my own life. I do not have access to my feelings and emotions. It is somehow locked up inside of me. I am afraid of my own thoughts and feelings. This alone is torturous. I can tell you that your writing is beautiful and that your thoughts and feelings will resonate with many. You are certainly off to a good start and should be very proud of yourself. I hope you find a release in speaking your truth! I wish you all the best in this endeavor! And I hope countless blessings come to you through risking so much and becoming this vulnerable!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank You so much. I’m still trying to convince myself that this will help people. I know it helps me just sort things out. Break them in to manageable pieces to deal with later. I’m so grateful for the feedback! It’s encouraging and I appreciate you reading it. And I know how it feels to have no idea how you feel or why. Like it’s a secret you have no idea how to discover. But only you can do it, which makes it easy to deny. That’s why I’m writing this- to hopefully help others at least start digging in to their own thoughts.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. That’s where my blog started – from a place of helping myself sort things out and then it became a place for me to beat my own fear by putting it out there for the world to see. I HOPED it would help people – I didn’t know if it would, but I knew that I first had to do it for me. It turned out to be even better and help more people than I ever expected!!! That’s what I believe this book will be for you! You write beautifully, and this will help many. Keep going!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you so much! I have a feeling it will take many long night of editing and rewriting before I’m satisfied, but I wanted to just start somewhere and get it going. Thanks for reading it!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Sounds like you have a perfectionistic streak, just like me! And yes – starting is the first step, and then you can go from here. Congratulations!!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Lol yeah, I can’t ever just let things go if I think they could be better, but I am learning that I have to. Ugh

        Liked by 1 person

      5. That is a lesson I have been trying to learn my entire life! It’s a daily struggle, but so so important!

        Liked by 1 person

      6. Yes. And can keep us from so many productive things!

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Blue Sky says:

        I am sure it will! Especially since this is an epidemic. And each victim is at a different place in processing their feelings and emotions. It is as though you open the door. And become a voice for millions!

        Liked by 1 person

      8. If I could be a voice for even one I would be happy! Thank you for reading it!

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Painfully honest and powerful because of that. Keep writing.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Rayne says:

    Carry on writing. ❤ 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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